The End.... And New Beginning....Again

So in the past 6 months I have finalized the divorce of a 7 year marriage, and ended a 4 year relationship. My emotions are a wreck. I do not trust anyone. My self esteem is non-existent. All lovely thoughts right?? I've started reading a book, The Five Love Languages. I should have read it a long time ago, considering that right now I'm not interested in anyone's Love Language. It has been very informative but this far into it I think I am all of the Love Languages. That could be why I'm impossible in relationships. One of the reasons anyway.

I didn't even pause between my marriage and my next relationship. I met Dan 6 weeks after I separated from Tim. I went right from one relationship to another. The new thing was a lot of fun at first, I was single for the first time in 8 years, everything was exciting and sexy and fun and we had a great time. But the true colors started to come out. I knew, 9 months after I met Dan, that there was no future there. I already didn't trust him and he had talked down to me in a way I had never experienced before. Both horrible things, that I could not get over, and I don't think I should have had to get over. Granted, I betrayed him, which started the talking down, but still, you never ever talk to a woman that way. And I can honestly say I never recovered. When someone calls you a stupid bitch enough you start to believe it. Was that the kind of relationship I wanted my daughter to witness? Do I want her to think it's ok for someone, anyone, to talk to her that way? Absolutely not. So what do I do being as smart as I am? I move in with him 3 yrs into this disaster of a relationship. That has to be the thing I kick myself most about. I let it go on. I stayed with him when neither one of us was happy, we both knew there was absolutely no future, he had nothing to offer me in various ways, and I stayed. And I have no one to blame but myself.

Don't get me wrong, he's not all bad, he can be a really good guy, he's just not my good guy. Our personalities attacked each other daily. But my Brynn adored her "friend". He was always very very good to her. She spent more time with him the past 4 years than she did with her own dad because of our custody schedule. I've had extensive talks with her about the situation and she seems to be handling him moving out very well considering. She asked me one day why her friend had to move out. And I basically told her if he had been as nice to me as he was to her he might not have had to. Which is the truth, sadly. 

Let me make it clear, I was not a saint in this relationship. It takes two to make it work and two to break it and we both contributed to the breaking. Like I said before, I betrayed him early on in the relationship. And I think that's something he just never got over, which I completely understand. But that still does not give him a free pass to talk down to me all the time, literally every single day. It's no wonder I have zero self esteem. Not that that is all his fault either, I'm the one that "let myself go", but that's a post for another day. I was always defensive because I always felt like he was attacking me. We both constantly walked on egg shells, we couldn't communicate to save our lives. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. He was a few seasons, but definitely not a life timer. And that's ok. I am going to learn from this. I am going to better myself and make me whole again. I am going to feel good about me and who I am and what I want in life, in a relationship. I am going to show Brynn what a real relationship should be like, how she should be treated and talked to. One day. One day it will all come together. There are big things out there for me, now it's up to me to find them. :)

SIBLINGS

Ok I'm not sure what's worse, me being 27, divorced, with no sign of marriage in the near future but I am TERRIBLEY baby hungry. Or my daughter begging me daily to get her a sister. Like I could just walk down the street and order one from Walmart like we did with her Barbi jeep. Seriously, at least twice a day her wanting to be a sister and/or have a baby sister is mentioned. Yesterday she said she wants a sister and a dog for her birthday. What do you say to that?? She's far too young to hear the birds and the bees talk but she does not understand how all of her friends mommy's can just keep having babies and her mommy can't. Well technically mommy could but mommy hasn't even seen an ounce of child support from baby daddy #1, having two of them would be such a pain in the ass and I do like to avoid as many pains in the rear as possible. I am just glad that I have so many cute family and friends that have adorable little babies for me and Brynn to come play with and snuggle to get our fix. I'm able to hold myself over because I am insisting that I will do it right next time damn it. I will fall completely in love with someone, get married, THEN make babies. Lots of them if I had the means. It sounds fairly simple to the typical person but we are 0 for 8 in my family. Interesting. My mom says there is no such thing as a planned pregnancy, those babies show up whenever works best for them and you will work around it and if you say you are going to wait until you're ready then you are fooling yourself because you are never ready. Again, all very good logic, but not comprehendable by a 3 yr old. Right now I give her the first part of the bees talk and just tell her when a mommy and daddy love each other and get married then that's when more sisters and brothers come along. Either that or I REALLY need to push the dog thing right now, anyone have a teacup yorkie they're trying to get rid of? Gosh they're cute. I would most likely step on it though.

SUMMER, 500 DAYS

This is the best show I have seen in a long time.

If you have not seen it I highly recommend you do. It is not your typical happy ending love story. In fact, at the beginning the narrator warns you that it is not a love story. It's real life. It's not perfect. And to me that's what makes it wonderful, it's perfectly un-perfect.

I think that anyone can relate to this couple. We have all either been her or him or both and I find it quite refreshing. The good the bad the ugly. It's honest. Brutally, gut wrenching, heart breakingly honest.

I must admit that I am a bit biased to the show because I love Summer. (the girl, not the season. I love the season too but this post isn't about seasons) She is me. I am her. I am an unemotional, severly broken, fool lately. Well not lately, for the last few years or so at least. And seriously some her facial expressions are almost zombie like. There is a line in the show where Tom asks her what happens if she falls in love with someone and she says, "come on, you don't really believe in that do you?" and Tom says, "it's love, it's not Santa Clause." She goes on to insist that love is fantasy. Now I might not be to THAT extent of broken, though some days I swear I get closer and closer.

Tom adores her, everything about her. He's a hopeless romantic swears that she is the one. For a year and a half he insists that she is the one. She, on the other hand does not believe in the  one, let alone think she's found him. I could go on about this forever. I highly recommend you watch it and if you already have, watch it again. Brynn and I watch it at least once a week, no joke. There are quite a few swear words, fyi. Which makes watching it with a 3 yr old even that much more entertaining because she points them all out. "Mama we don't say shit", "Mama we don't say shut up". She used to say that only married people kiss but after watching this show 153 times she now says they can kiss because they love each other. (though the L word is not mentioned by either party in the course of the movie) I enjoy watching how she interprets things.

This is awesome. One of the best lines of the movie. She's had an off day and he says he's happy and she says, "you're happy??" and he says "you're not??" and she says "we fight all the time!!" and he says "that's bull shit!" Awesome. You have to watch it to get the humor but still. Awesome.

This is in Ikea. They are running through the store, dive on the bed, have "the talk" about how they both don't want anything serious, then they kiss, with a family of japanese people in the neighboring bathroom watching. I took Brynn to Ikea yesterday for the first time, and she insisted on laying down on every bed, to be just like Summer.

I have no idea why this is one of my favorite scenes in the movie. I love that he is willing to show her his view of the L.A. skyline and draw out and explain how he would make the most of the view. I also love that she wanted to know. It makes me want to find my own architect just so he can explain skylines to me. I'm intrigued.

To me this is the best way I have ever seen a broken heart portrayed in a movie.  All of the color in your life is gone, everything you've ever believed in vanishes, just like that. It's one moment and you can't catch your breath, everything goes from color to black and white and then it's gone. And you're there all alone. And it all happens so fast you can't even begin to wrap your head around it or the meaning or how you could not have possibly seen this coming. It is heart breaking.

But not as heart breaking as this. That's all I will say.

TRUST

Sometimes I seriously feel like it's a 4 letter word. I absolutely agree when "they" say "it's hard to achieve but even harder to keep". I believe there are many forms of trust and some can be forgiven and some cannot. Like when I was cheated on, one of the times, was it a lapse of judgement on his part? Absolutely. (a lapse that lasted 8 months) Do I think he is a bad person because of it? No ma'am. Was I ever able to trust him in that relationship ever again even after marriage and a baby? Nope. Not in a lovey dovey relationship way. Would I trust him with my life? Yes. Would I trust him with my heart? Hell no. Honestly I give anyone the benefit of the doubt when I meet them, whether it's boys, girls whatever. I will also admit that I am no saint when it comes to breaking trust. Have I ever cheated on a significant other? Unfortunately yes. Do I think I was any more in the right than my ex? Absolutely not. But that doesn't make me feel any less guilty. I'm not the type. Cheaters have a certain stereotype I think. Like once you find out someone is or was a cheater you can't help but change your view of them, not intentionally of course but it happens. It took me a long time to admit that I was part of that group. But I did so lets move on.

There are little forms of trust too that aren't as extreme as cheating. Like lying in general, well this could actually be considered in the same vacinity as cheating. But then there are different levels of lies. Like if you tell your significant other she looks good in those pants but really she has a muffin top betty crocker would be proud of. That's a little lie, I call them fibletts. Then there are bigger ones, like when your dad asks if you paid your car payment and you say yes but you really didn't and then they call him because it's late and he calls to chew you apart later. Yeah that one has almost immediate consequences I found out after in high school. Then there are the doozies. The big mama's, the no going back, the sure to destroy you lies. I think most people do these as a sense of desparation. Again, that doesn't make them right or justify them whatsoever but I'm sure different people have different reasons and limits but these ones will be the end or relationships, friendships and who knows whatever else if you let them. I am not proud to say that I have told a few doozies in my life time, but realistically who hasn't?? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," right?? (my dad would be so proud right now) I am not a judger. I am just about as far from perfect as you can get and I believe someones business is their business and if they want to get me involved then I will happily oblige as necessary but I won't be all up in your grill wanting to know the who, what, why and how. I myself am that same way. I do not open up. I do not trust. In the big ways or the small ways. It's sad to say but I would trust someone with my life, before I would trust them with my heart. I'm not sure if that will ever change. I hope it does becuase it sucks to live that way but we live and we learn people. I have realized that my life has gotten to a point recently where I'm not sure I trust myself. I don't trust that I can make rational decisions or that I have my best interest at heart. Why is that? And how can I fix it?? The more posts I write the more I realize I REALLY need to get back into therapy.

READY

So there must be something in the nasty smoggy air that is making people have serious blogging moments today because I am having a hinkering to be a tad bit serious myself for some reason, so I'm going to ride the wave.

A few things have happened this past week that have me thinking about conscious decisions. Like am I choosing to not be ready to seriously date or am I truely not ready for that type of committment yet? Obviously dating isn't committing, they are two very different things, but inevitably one leads to the other at some point, right? Realistically, I know myself. I know I have a hard time being one of those casual daters that can date many people at a time. Sure I have no problem talking to a lot of people but when it comes down to one on one sit down dinner and movie stuff I am pretty monogamous. And if you are only spending one on one time with one person that turns into dating, which turns into meet the family, then committing, then before you know it you're moving in, wearing a ring, and knocked up and it's too late to slam on the brakes because everything you said you weren't going to do, you just did. Make sense?? Ok maybe that's an extreme case but you get the idea. I've already done all of that. All of that stuff I swore I wouldn't do. Like get married for the baby because she came completely unplanned and even if you aren't in love it's the right thing to do. For the baby. But when did I stop caring about what I want? And when did it become ok to do that? Yes Brynn comes first, always has and always will but when I completely stop acknowledging what I want or what feels right to me that's a problem. I don't want that to happen again. It took me 3 years to get out of a situation that could've been completely avoided all together if I would've followed my intuition. I never should've gotten married. It's hard for me to say that, it's a swift kick to the nuts to be honest with you because I knew it from the day I got married. And damn it did I try. I can't say I did everything I could to make it work because I really don't think I did and it might sound cheesy but my heart wasn't in it. Never was. And it's hard for me take FULL responsibility for it because I told him. I told him 2 weeks before Brynn was born and he did nothing but ignore me. Like it was a pregnancy moment that would just go away. Well it didn't, and I was miserable. Not with life in general, just that I had let things get to this point. I let this happen. I made my bed and I was lying in it. But I felt like my bed was short sheeted like my grandma used to do as a joke when we were little and would sleep at her house. The problem is I always seem to feel short sheeted in love.
So long story, well, long, the thought of a relationship scares the shit out of me. For good reason I think!! It's like I don't trust myself to make the decision, or any decision even pertaining to the same vacinity of committing. I don't want to. It terrifys me. Does that suck for suitors to come?? Yes it does. Very much so. And honestly it will probably ruin my first few relationships post divorce, which sucks for me and the poor Mister it involves. So how do I fix it? How do I get past this fear of giving someone "my all"? I think I first need to have control of my all. I need to be whole before I can share me. Right now I'm like a pattern, I have all the necessary pieces but it's getting them together in their places that's the hard, time consuming part. And I'm much too impatient. So I can say I should take it all one day at a time, whatever happens happens, but that's what leads to rings and babies and permenant life decisions that require judges to get out of so that freaks me out. I'm just going to be here. I'm going to be here and do what I can to ready myself and when/if the situation arrives hopefully I'm responsive enough to say what I do and don't want and I will either avoid life changing mistakes or I will end up more broken than when I started. Good luck potential Reese daters, no pressure.