I didn't even pause between my marriage and my next relationship. I met Dan 6 weeks after I separated from Tim. I went right from one relationship to another. The new thing was a lot of fun at first, I was single for the first time in 8 years, everything was exciting and sexy and fun and we had a great time. But the true colors started to come out. I knew, 9 months after I met Dan, that there was no future there. I already didn't trust him and he had talked down to me in a way I had never experienced before. Both horrible things, that I could not get over, and I don't think I should have had to get over. Granted, I betrayed him, which started the talking down, but still, you never ever talk to a woman that way. And I can honestly say I never recovered. When someone calls you a stupid bitch enough you start to believe it. Was that the kind of relationship I wanted my daughter to witness? Do I want her to think it's ok for someone, anyone, to talk to her that way? Absolutely not. So what do I do being as smart as I am? I move in with him 3 yrs into this disaster of a relationship. That has to be the thing I kick myself most about. I let it go on. I stayed with him when neither one of us was happy, we both knew there was absolutely no future, he had nothing to offer me in various ways, and I stayed. And I have no one to blame but myself.
Don't get me wrong, he's not all bad, he can be a really good guy, he's just not my good guy. Our personalities attacked each other daily. But my Brynn adored her "friend". He was always very very good to her. She spent more time with him the past 4 years than she did with her own dad because of our custody schedule. I've had extensive talks with her about the situation and she seems to be handling him moving out very well considering. She asked me one day why her friend had to move out. And I basically told her if he had been as nice to me as he was to her he might not have had to. Which is the truth, sadly.
Let me make it clear, I was not a saint in this relationship. It takes two to make it work and two to break it and we both contributed to the breaking. Like I said before, I betrayed him early on in the relationship. And I think that's something he just never got over, which I completely understand. But that still does not give him a free pass to talk down to me all the time, literally every single day. It's no wonder I have zero self esteem. Not that that is all his fault either, I'm the one that "let myself go", but that's a post for another day. I was always defensive because I always felt like he was attacking me. We both constantly walked on egg shells, we couldn't communicate to save our lives. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. He was a few seasons, but definitely not a life timer. And that's ok. I am going to learn from this. I am going to better myself and make me whole again. I am going to feel good about me and who I am and what I want in life, in a relationship. I am going to show Brynn what a real relationship should be like, how she should be treated and talked to. One day. One day it will all come together. There are big things out there for me, now it's up to me to find them. :)
