READY

So there must be something in the nasty smoggy air that is making people have serious blogging moments today because I am having a hinkering to be a tad bit serious myself for some reason, so I'm going to ride the wave.

A few things have happened this past week that have me thinking about conscious decisions. Like am I choosing to not be ready to seriously date or am I truely not ready for that type of committment yet? Obviously dating isn't committing, they are two very different things, but inevitably one leads to the other at some point, right? Realistically, I know myself. I know I have a hard time being one of those casual daters that can date many people at a time. Sure I have no problem talking to a lot of people but when it comes down to one on one sit down dinner and movie stuff I am pretty monogamous. And if you are only spending one on one time with one person that turns into dating, which turns into meet the family, then committing, then before you know it you're moving in, wearing a ring, and knocked up and it's too late to slam on the brakes because everything you said you weren't going to do, you just did. Make sense?? Ok maybe that's an extreme case but you get the idea. I've already done all of that. All of that stuff I swore I wouldn't do. Like get married for the baby because she came completely unplanned and even if you aren't in love it's the right thing to do. For the baby. But when did I stop caring about what I want? And when did it become ok to do that? Yes Brynn comes first, always has and always will but when I completely stop acknowledging what I want or what feels right to me that's a problem. I don't want that to happen again. It took me 3 years to get out of a situation that could've been completely avoided all together if I would've followed my intuition. I never should've gotten married. It's hard for me to say that, it's a swift kick to the nuts to be honest with you because I knew it from the day I got married. And damn it did I try. I can't say I did everything I could to make it work because I really don't think I did and it might sound cheesy but my heart wasn't in it. Never was. And it's hard for me take FULL responsibility for it because I told him. I told him 2 weeks before Brynn was born and he did nothing but ignore me. Like it was a pregnancy moment that would just go away. Well it didn't, and I was miserable. Not with life in general, just that I had let things get to this point. I let this happen. I made my bed and I was lying in it. But I felt like my bed was short sheeted like my grandma used to do as a joke when we were little and would sleep at her house. The problem is I always seem to feel short sheeted in love.
So long story, well, long, the thought of a relationship scares the shit out of me. For good reason I think!! It's like I don't trust myself to make the decision, or any decision even pertaining to the same vacinity of committing. I don't want to. It terrifys me. Does that suck for suitors to come?? Yes it does. Very much so. And honestly it will probably ruin my first few relationships post divorce, which sucks for me and the poor Mister it involves. So how do I fix it? How do I get past this fear of giving someone "my all"? I think I first need to have control of my all. I need to be whole before I can share me. Right now I'm like a pattern, I have all the necessary pieces but it's getting them together in their places that's the hard, time consuming part. And I'm much too impatient. So I can say I should take it all one day at a time, whatever happens happens, but that's what leads to rings and babies and permenant life decisions that require judges to get out of so that freaks me out. I'm just going to be here. I'm going to be here and do what I can to ready myself and when/if the situation arrives hopefully I'm responsive enough to say what I do and don't want and I will either avoid life changing mistakes or I will end up more broken than when I started. Good luck potential Reese daters, no pressure.