TRUST

Sometimes I seriously feel like it's a 4 letter word. I absolutely agree when "they" say "it's hard to achieve but even harder to keep". I believe there are many forms of trust and some can be forgiven and some cannot. Like when I was cheated on, one of the times, was it a lapse of judgement on his part? Absolutely. (a lapse that lasted 8 months) Do I think he is a bad person because of it? No ma'am. Was I ever able to trust him in that relationship ever again even after marriage and a baby? Nope. Not in a lovey dovey relationship way. Would I trust him with my life? Yes. Would I trust him with my heart? Hell no. Honestly I give anyone the benefit of the doubt when I meet them, whether it's boys, girls whatever. I will also admit that I am no saint when it comes to breaking trust. Have I ever cheated on a significant other? Unfortunately yes. Do I think I was any more in the right than my ex? Absolutely not. But that doesn't make me feel any less guilty. I'm not the type. Cheaters have a certain stereotype I think. Like once you find out someone is or was a cheater you can't help but change your view of them, not intentionally of course but it happens. It took me a long time to admit that I was part of that group. But I did so lets move on.

There are little forms of trust too that aren't as extreme as cheating. Like lying in general, well this could actually be considered in the same vacinity as cheating. But then there are different levels of lies. Like if you tell your significant other she looks good in those pants but really she has a muffin top betty crocker would be proud of. That's a little lie, I call them fibletts. Then there are bigger ones, like when your dad asks if you paid your car payment and you say yes but you really didn't and then they call him because it's late and he calls to chew you apart later. Yeah that one has almost immediate consequences I found out after in high school. Then there are the doozies. The big mama's, the no going back, the sure to destroy you lies. I think most people do these as a sense of desparation. Again, that doesn't make them right or justify them whatsoever but I'm sure different people have different reasons and limits but these ones will be the end or relationships, friendships and who knows whatever else if you let them. I am not proud to say that I have told a few doozies in my life time, but realistically who hasn't?? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," right?? (my dad would be so proud right now) I am not a judger. I am just about as far from perfect as you can get and I believe someones business is their business and if they want to get me involved then I will happily oblige as necessary but I won't be all up in your grill wanting to know the who, what, why and how. I myself am that same way. I do not open up. I do not trust. In the big ways or the small ways. It's sad to say but I would trust someone with my life, before I would trust them with my heart. I'm not sure if that will ever change. I hope it does becuase it sucks to live that way but we live and we learn people. I have realized that my life has gotten to a point recently where I'm not sure I trust myself. I don't trust that I can make rational decisions or that I have my best interest at heart. Why is that? And how can I fix it?? The more posts I write the more I realize I REALLY need to get back into therapy.